Would you recognize the voice of God speaking into your soul? How can you tell if you are hearing your God whispers during prayer and throughout your day? I used to think that prayer was a time when I needed to thank God for my blessings and then scurry away to the hustle and grind of my daily life. As embarrassed as I am to admit it, I never had time to pray…. actually, I never MADE the time to pray. I was always too busy at work, running errands and building relationships with my friends. It wasn’t until I realized one day that the most important relationship I needed to build in my life was with God. That is, until one afternoon during one of the darkest times of my life, I understood what it felt to listen to my God whispers… literally…. (read more on my blog)
I have always prided myself on being a strong woman and my inner strength has always been built on the foundation of my relationship with God through prayer. As crazy as it sounds, it was always easy for me to hear the echoes of my God whispers since I was a child. I remember having conversations with God about anything and everything because I always knew Source was listening. The older I got, I replaced the time I spent alone in prayer and meditation with time hanging out with my friends and growing up. The more I focused on the noise of the world around me, the harder it became to hear my God whispers. I suppose this is true for anybody, as when we squander our gifts and choose not to develop them, we tend to lose them.
As my mom was battling breast cancer, I found it easier to replace time I had once dedicated to prayer to doing anything but pray. Looking back now, I realized I was angry that cancer had not only struck my mom once, but three different times. It wasn’t until September 11th when mom called me and informed me that after 10 years of being cancer free, she had stage 4 breast cancer. It had metastasized to her bones and was in her spine. Her cancer had gotten so bad that she had to have a steel rod placed in her spine to prevent her neck from breaking if she turned too sharply. All of this was happening as she was diligently going to her doctor visits and each time, they told her they would watch it and keep an eye on it. Well, they did watch it as her cancer grew to the point where she had to have a 7-hour surgery with a team of 5 specialists.
Not realizing how angry I became, I found it easier to cope with my anger by ignoring God. After all, how can a God who loves me and speaks clearly into my soul have the audacity to ignore my prayers for healing mom? Instead of asking God, I chose to completely ignore him. As a matter of fact…. I literally said to God one day, “I’m done with you. I will never to pray to you again.” Seeing these words now sounds so arrogant, but I was in such a state of fear that I suppose I needed to blame someone, so I chose to blame the one who was closest to me. Although in my mind I knew I was done with God….. I am forever grateful that God was not done with me. As a matter of fact, he was just beginning.
She’s Going to Die…
During the months that mom was healing from her surgery ordeal, I remained true to my promise to God. I rarely prayed except for the occasional thanks for my mom healing and during those quick chats with God, I still never chose to sit quietly and listen for the sound of my God whisper. I suppose I felt if God was going to deny me then I would deny listening – real adult huh? My heart began to soften as I learned that mom would be able to fly to Texas to come visit me. I was excited and began feeling hopeful again that she was going to be alright. Although her trip was short, I had a chance to spend time with her and even though she was weak, I pushed her through the isles at the mall in her wheelchair so she could enjoy a short shopping excursion. The day I took mom to the airport, I sensed something within her that was hesitant. We ended the trip with me telling mom that I would come and visit her in a couple of months so when I dropped her off and gave her a hug, I had no idea that would be the last time I would ever see mom again.
One night I had a dream that I will never forget. I was standing on top of a mountain and God was speaking to me. He said that out of all the people in the entire world that mom could have chosen to share her love with as a parent, she chose me. This is something that I should be grateful for and thank her. As I quietly thought about my dream, I realized that I needed to act on Gods guidance. I pulled up my laptop and emailed my mom. In the email I told her about my God dream and how he said that out of every soul in the world, she could have chosen anyone to be a mother to but she chose me. I thanked mom for everything she had done for me and how she strictly enforced her daughters getting an education so we could be able to support ourselves and have better opportunities.
As I wrote line after line on my email, I realized this dream had been a gift and I was to be thankful for my God whispers. After sending the email, I felt such a deep sense of gratitude and from that moment truly understood how God really is aware and present every moment of your journey. However, if I am not present and paying attention to my whispers, then I risk not being able to hear them or to act on them. Needless to say, my prayers began from that dream and I was in such a sense of gratitude they became more prayers of thanks rather than prayers for requests.
Several months had passed since this dream and when I fell asleep one night, I had yet another God dream. In this dream, I was once again standing alone and felt Gods presence surround me. I heard him speak very clearly when God softly said to me, “she’s coming home soon.” When I opened my eyes, I laid in bed and asked myself, did God just tell me that mom was going to die? …