Despite my many prayers for God to heal my mom’s cancer, I realized my dream signified something so much more important. When I had a dream that God spoke to me and told me mom was coming “home” I realized that despite my prayers, God said no. I had to ask myself, what kind of a God says no to a prayer request and follows it with a warning that mom would be losing her battle? This was a hard pill for me to swallow, because I had been taught that if you have the faith then God will provide you with your deepest desires. Mine was for mom to heal, yet my dream told me that she would not be healing but instead would at some point take a turn for the worst. At least God has warned me, I would tell myself, and at least you have some precious time with her. Realizing this, I shifted from fear into gratitude when I could and tried to push the thought of losing mom out of my mind.
I truly believe God speaks to us in so many ways but it becomes our responsibility to listen and to act on those whispers. As I have learned, once God reveals truth to me then it becomes impossible to pretend I didn’t know the truth. With knowledge comes a huge responsibility to act in accordance to what you know. So much of our journey through life is about creating our experiences and understanding what we can control as well as knowing how to handle what we cannot. With wisdom comes the understanding that we cannot blame God for our own actions, thoughts, and emotions. We are given free will to create our lives in the manner we want to experience, and God will never impose his will on us. The knowledge we are given comes through the form of intuition, and ways that we can understand through our own spiritual relationship with Source.
Shifting blame does not allow you to pretend you did not have knowledge, and makes you more accountable. Despite my dream of mom coming “home”, I tried to manage my days pushing aside the fear that continuously invaded my soul. I lived by the motto of being in gratitude for the warning but being grateful for the time I had with mom. Every night I would call mom at the same time and talk to her after she ate dinner. This became our time, and she expected the call just as I expected to call her. However, one evening as a picked the telephone off the charger and placed my finger on the keys, I had a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. It felt like someone had pulled the plug from the bottom of my soul and everything was rushing out of it. I felt scared, sick to my stomach, and I just stared out of the window holding the phone in one hand and my stomach in another.
I could hear my God whisper loud and clear telling me to “call her,” but I refused to listen. All I could focus on was the terrible feeling I had in the pit of my soul and it terrified me so much that I did something I would regret doing for the rest of my life. I set the telephone down and placed it back on the charger. I don’t even know what I was afraid of, but I knew something wasn’t right. I would call mom later. Less than 20 minutes after I had placed the telephone down, I received a call. When I went to pick up the phone, I felt that same familiar feeling overcome my soul again. The caller was a family member who was crying hysterically and telling me that mom had just died. She was on the telephone and suddenly stopped breathing and dropped the phone, passing away minutes later.
The shock that came for the next several days slowly turned to grief, and then to a spiraling darkness that I could not escape from. I knew that God was telling me to call mom because she was going home and that choice I made to ignore my God whispers cost me the chance to say good-bye and sent me down a long and dark tunnel of despair that I did not know how I would escape from. Months and years later I would not know what it was to hear God again until one day when I least expected it, God spoke into my soul again in a way I could never have imagined.